Friday, April 27, 2007

Lost In Prison Space

We have a new metal detector. It's a doorframe type and it's very high-tech. It has a digital camera perched on top to take a picture of every person who walks through. It's attached to a laptop so it can display the picture immediately. If you're carrying something you shouldn't have a tiny little pointing hand icon pops up on the computer monitor to point to the place that the officer is supposed to search (apparently they think correctional officer training doesn't qualify one to figure that out). But the best thing about this new metal detector is that it talks.

Truly, I'm not kidding. When it's unhappy it blurts out "Warning! Warning!" in a voice identical to---I mean exactly like---the robot from Lost In Space. Every employee over a certain age breaks out laughing when they hear that voice. I think someone from the television industry gets paid a royalty every time it goes off.

The other interesting thing about the metal detector is that it's triggered by underwire bras. Yes, you are imagining this correctly---the little digitized finger is pointing on occasional female employees. Ya just gotta love this place.

So now in addition to the doorframe detector all employees are also required to get a pat-down frisk. (Don't worry, the females are patted by female officers.) Just another unintended consequence of technology. I'm hoping soon they invent that electric bra.


By the way, for only $24,000 you can buy an exact replica of the Lost In Space robot here.


Sarebear said...

They think you have lethal underwear? Lol.

Lost in Space Robot: Danger, Will Robinson, she's PACKING! I mean, packed. I mean . . . oh, who cares, NICE software! (that last part in Johnny 5's voice)

Anonymous said...

I'm not visiting you at work, I don't like being patted down by any one of any gender.

Sarebear said...

Aw Dinah, you're no fun!


Gerbil said...

Mrs. Gerbil reports having been felt up for national security on more than one occasion. Apparently her bra set off the metal detector.

TSA was not amused when Mrs. Gerbil (who's about as flat as yours truly) asked, quite seriously, "Um, how exactly would I hide anything in here?"

Midwife with a Knife said...

I was interviewing for residencies right after 9/11/02, and they had just tightened up the security, but didn't have the manpower to really do it (or womanpower as the case may be).

Anyway, my underwire set off the metal detector, and I was running late for a plane due to security delays. I heard the boarding announcement overhead just as I was going through security, and I was offered the "choice" of getting my pat down with a man now or waiting 30 minutes for the next available woman.

Of course, I chose the guy and made my plane, it just seemed a little weird.

Anonymous said...

Heh, there are other things that set off metal detectors.

I live in a town full of venturesome people.

Just think of the problems that can come up with...body piercings.

Violet said...

Do metal detectors always go off with underwire? I didn't see anyone setting it off when I flew recently. I was afraid it would happen to me, as I hadn't been on a plane since the summer of 2000. Anyway, I was happy that I didn't set it off as I'm not used to anyone of either gender touching me.

Gerbil said...

Oh, and then there was my father's run-in with security in spring 2001, when he and my mom were flying to England.

My father has had both hips replaced.

After emptying out his pockets and being patted down, and still not being able to convince the security guard that he wasn't packing, he said, "I have two hip replacements. Wanna see my scars?"

She waved him through.

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'll bet the gate officer gets tired of hearing that voice.

I'll definitely take you up on the offer and post my metal detector story tomorrow.