Monday, January 05, 2009

When Love is Not Enough.

In my post on Changes.... Novalis writes:

"And what do we mean when we say that someone "could" change if they only "would?" In some alternative universe? If they were us? It may be more reasonable to think that someone can change when they, in fact, do change, and not before then. In that sense we only know reality after the fact."

So, in yet another NY Times piece:
Modern Love Facing My Obsession, in the Flesh By BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS
Published: January 2, 2009, Denizet-Lewis writes in a poignant way about his struggles to resist sexual impulses to connect with strangers:
But pride is no match for addiction. This morning I’d resolved to break my habit, to make the day different. I knew I needed to get some work done before heading to a childhood friend’s wedding later in the day. No time for sex! But as I sat at my desk, a thought occurred: “If I am not going to have sex today, I should take care of business now.” I decided to look at pornography online for 15 minutes (20 minutes max). An hour into that, I got an e-mail message from Mike saying he wanted to meet. I decided to skip the wedding.
Denizet-Louis goes on to write:
As I sped home, I wanted to cry. What was happening to me? Why couldn’t I stop chasing sex, no matter the consequences? To make myself feel better, I called Mike. He answered, offered a convoluted excuse involving flat tires and dead cellphone batteries, and then we had phone sex. When we were done, I considered driving my car off a cliff.

TO much of the general public, sex addiction is a punch line, a pop-psychology diagnosis or an attempt to explain away recklessness and perversion. But my sex addiction is unfortunately very real; it has cost me a job, romantic relationships, friendships and, on many days, my sanity and self-respect. I have checked myself into inpatient sex-addiction treatment centers twice. I have set up Internet blocking software — the kind designed for children — on my computer, only to buy another computer when the urge to go into chat rooms became too strong.

Sometimes it seems easy enough to say "if you don't like your life, change it." Sometimes it's hard to appreciate just how difficult that can be.


Awake and Dreaming said...

that last line. It's so true. I see it day in and day out working in a homeless shelter. It's so easy to look at the people lying there on the mats and thing CHANGE but in reality, it's just not that simple.

DrivingMissMolly said...

Yeah, I can relate. I have been living with Father and his wife (my mom died 5 years ago), for about a year-and-a-half. She supposedly is a credentialed therapist in Brazil, but I'm beginning to hate her.

She is a "fixer." I finally had to tell her that I was not a "project" and most certainly was not HER "project." She would tell me to pray and she wants me to get my ear stapled so I will lose weight. WTF?

Yesterday was soul crushing. I felt sick and was worried. I felt very bloated and I was so concerned that I mentioned it to my sister and to her.

I told her I was thinking of looking into the new Weight Watchers program ( I couldn't handle the points thing). Her response...."you don't want to change, why bother."

I felt so bad that I considered cutting myself, around my face, like to make it a mask, but in the hairline and jawline shadow so no one would notice. Of course, I didn't do it. What she said and the way she said it really hurt me.

I moved there and continue to live there because I don't think I can live on my own anymore. I would think, that if someone is living with you (and paying rent) because they are having such intense psychological problems, they would be nicer to me, or at least not mean.

Dinah, thanks for holding up the fort. You keep up the blog. "The Blog" is much more than technical knowledge, and you always make sure you take care of us by posting.